Sunday, October 22, 2017

Be Honest


How painful it is when you spend a life time thinking that all around you care for you as you care for them ...
Honesty , integrity and reality is no more than words for others ,,,but it is part of you ...the most important part ,,it is your realty ,, your existence ,,,your being ...
Years pass and you still think that whoever has the greatest part in your life ha splayed a roll in your life then the curtain fell down and he disappeared to leave you in suspense and  bewilderment ...
He then appears to open unhealed wounds ,,promising you hope and again leaves you in wonder and suspense ..
The question here is : 
Why not be honest once in your life ?
Why not be trust worthy once in your life ?
Why keep playing around with innocent hearts and  pure souls ? 
The answer is :
You deserve this ...
Because you NEVER learned from the beginning that every one has his own character , personality , make up , morals , principles 
And most of all : HEARTS ,,,SOULS ...& CONSCIOUS 
These can never change ..
Then must learn a lesson 
Though I have had learned many lessons the hard way 
But being such a loving pure person 
I always hope that people might change for the best 
Specially people I love & care for 
No matter how much they hurt me 
This time   
I should forget 
Because people are not angels
 Or shall I say at least the people 
I care for & love 

Monday, August 21, 2017

Is There Friendship Nowadays ?????

Is There Friendship Nowadays ???

Days & years passed by so quickly sometimes yet so slowly other times ...When you are in your own country , surrounded by your family , friends , relatives and you have a companion whom you love so much - you might not think about the reality of other relationships because you feel the warmth , protection and kindness of all those around you despite the bad times that we all have occasionally ....

However , when you live in another country among  strange communities you become a stranger there ... you have to choose either to mingle with the society and find out for yourself who you can be friend with or you shut off yourself from others and occupy yourself with whatever hobbies or things you like - that is if you don't have work and if you have to stay at home ...
Yet , if you suddenly run into an old friend whom you have had spent a long time with years ago ... you might think that you have found a treasure ...well, that is exactly what happened with me six years ago ... 
I left my beloved Baghdad due to some problems and came to Amman to spent time with an old friend whom I have known a long time ago  and whom  I considered a friend ... we knew each other since childhood ,,,we were neighbors and we became friend later on  when we grew older ,then we met in England during time of study ,,,our relationship became stronger and as usual life has made us depart and each one went her own way and had a different path of life ..she got married and  after wards traveled to Amman with her husband and I stayed in Baghdad and had my own life married ,,,had problems after 20 years of marriage . One day while we were talking to each other via messenger she suggested that I visit her for a change and to forget about my troubles and problems ... that is how I came to Amman  thinking that the grass will be greener on the other side of my river ....
I stayed with her in her apartment ,,first few days every thing was fine ,,, then she changed her attitude and behavior ...she was so rude , moody ,,,impolite and was nagging with me all the time ,,, I then decided to find a place and I moved to another department to get rid of the problems - though I gave her a lot of money for staying there and I had brought her jewelry from Baghdad as a present which was very expensive ,,,that means my stay with her was not for free either but in return she treated me badly ...I have to say that she has always been like that ... 
Coming to Amman remind me of my  old wish of going back to England ,,,so I applied for humanitarian asylum to the UNHCR in Amman and that idea which have haunted me for almost thirty years was now becoming a reality and so near ....
My eldest sister convinced me to change the name of the country from England to Canada because her daughter was there ,,,saying that her daughter is all alone and being a very kind and loving aunt as myself who has shared in bringing her up would make our life happier and that we will both benefit from this nearness ,,,
It seems that being  so good and decent have made me a prey all my life and I have never learned a lesson from my old experience with them all ....
Well, in short I got the asylum and I was hoping to find some happiness and to settle down after all that I have been through ...
A great disappointment was waiting for me with my niece & her family ,,,I was unable to rent a flat for myself because Canada is extremely expensive - I have to choose either : staying with her & suffer all the time or share a flat with a stranger which is impossible for me ....thus ,I returned to Amman carrying with me agony , sadness , disappointment and all sorts of negative feelings ...

To be continued .....

Tuesday, May 02, 2017

Nothing Stays

Nothing Stays  

Life goes on with all its pleasures , sadness , achievements,  disappointments , successes , illnesses , happiness,  failures , heartaches , glories, , victories ,disasters ,,,I can keep counting  all those blessings and curses --- or as some call  them experiences ,,,, nothings stays as it is ….this is life ,,,but how many of us accept their life with all its complications ,,,I would say very few and possibly a rare number of people are  contented with what they have ,,, most strive to get what is in others 's hands even if they have everything ….
I think this is all because we lack faith which is very crucial and important in our happiness in life …in fact it is the core ,,,the essence of life ,,,if we read about our predecessors  we find that most of them live a simple life ,,never compete with each other ,,they spend their life thinking and doing good things to themselves as well as to others .. they didn’t have hatred , envy , jealousy or any of these malignant passive feelings ,,, all they seek in their lifetime was to live peacefully and in serenity   day by day ,,,live each day with its merits and misfortunes....whether good or bad 
 ,,, they never compare their life with their neighbors , friends or relatives which make them happy , contended and satisfied with what they have 
…if they were poor or rich ,,,full or hungry ..this never matters to them ....
,,,they were much more humanitarians than we are nowadays ,,, they love ,, they give and they help each other … kindness and  real feelings exist at that time without limits ,,, no one helped another expecting something in return ,,, no one had a greedy look for what is in others’ hands ,,,if your friend is richer ,, better or even happier --- you would wish him
more prosperity and happiness without thinking of your own situation ,,, even if some were in need ,, they wouldn’t ask  unless they are really in deep troubles … because they know that when their closest ones are aware of their difficulties , they will take the initiative and contribute without even asking ,,,
Sincerity , righteousness , truth and honesty were people’s main and most goal in their life  and whatever hard times they face ,,,nothing would change that as long as they live …if your sibling , fiend , relative , neighblour, acquaintance  or even some you don’t know well  -is
 in trouble and needs help of any sort you will run to give a hand with whatever you can --- however little your contribution would be ,,,that didn’t matter because all are there to help so the little you share will be of some good ,,,that was the spirit of the past … now even your own partner will not help you … in fact some partners run away once they realize that you are not able anymore to give ,,,,
Today taking and getting 
 has become the MOTTO ,,,the SLOGAN ,,,the AIM of  almost each and every person in our society … it is really 
 very sad and horrific to live in this way ,,,,
May be I am very old fashioned person  who can never change ,,I don’t really want to change ,,,I know all speak about my good nature ,, generosity and kindness as though I am doing mistakes ,,, they think of me as a fool ,,, so naive ,,, so simple in that I don’t take opportunities ,,, I am a giver by nature ,,, I never care for materialistic things ,,,I am thinking in the same way of that old generation ,,of my father who used to give everything even if it cost him his fortune just to help others ,,,to save those who might drown ,,,even if they are ungrateful  and even if they hurt me all the time …YES ,,this might seem strange  for a person living among such society ,,,besides it can very well be called abusing ,,however, I think about it from another angle which not many might think of… I think of the other world after death ,, I think of God’s rewards and I don’t mean that I do good hoping for something in return ,,, not at all ,,, but from my own  point of view I think that goodness  is natural ,,it is  a reflection a person’s soul ,, be good ,,,do good  and leave it in the hands of God , the Almighty ,,,,who
 never give up on you because He knows you have a heart of gold and that you are a good person ,,,
Life has 
 eliminated such good people or shall I say that materialism has overcome humanity and goodness 
whatever it is , I am happy that I have never changed  my behavior ,,, attitudes ,,,actions and deeds nor have I regret having such   morals  and beliefs ,,,,
I still hope that one day will come – probably – after I pass away when people return to their goodness, kindness and virtues ….that day might be far but who knows ,,,
I believe in : “ Do good and good will return to you …one day or another ,,,however far that day ,,,it doesn’t matter ,,,even if after death
 as long as you have helped someone who needs help ….never regret doing good ,,,I  always regret not doing good when I am not able 
because I 
feel as though I have stopped living …”
Life goes on and nothing stays as it is ,,,so let’s be good to each other because we all will be memories  .. and I prefer to be a good memory 
rather than a bad memory .
Be like a flower - its scent never goes away even after if fades and dries ....

Monday, April 24, 2017



Life has taught me  a lot of things ,,, most of which is the MEANNESS of people ,,, I have never seen such meanness not even in the worst savage monsters ,,, they say that Satan or the devil is very mean ,,, well I have never been introduced to Satan nor the devil but I have been living with real people who might be personalized from the character of Satan or the devil ,,,when someone betrays you ,,, cheats on you and finally leave you  ,,, disappears ,,,, suddenly they appear with a new face ... promising to make up for you ,,, and as you are such an innocent person with a golden heart of an angel ----  you believe them ,,, you keep waiting and waiting ....they say that the snake can never change its skin ,,, so  are such people ---all they do again is run away leaving you to speculations !!!!
Hence , you wake up to realize that meanness is like blood cells that can never leave the vessels  ,,, some  people  never change because inside their hearts and souls there is darkness and evil ...
I , therefore thank God that I have a gold heart that is full with faith in Him and patience that fills my soul with serenity , love and peace. ...
I might regret sometimes that I treat all people in the same generosity and love ,,, but when I think of the other world --- life after death I feel content that I have been treated badly but I treated all well because I seek the rewards of GOD not people ...
I am also sure that GOD will punish all those  who hurt others ...  
Well let every one behave as they wish and let the Almighty GOD  judge  us  all on doomsday 
Life is too short to spend regretting anything ...I am at harmony with GOD , people and life ....I have been through huge unbelievable storms which others might never could resist or overcome BUT I did with my faith , patience and strength ,,, love of GOD and peace of heart ...finally I have come to realize that I am so strong as to face such hard times all alone with no help of any person at all ....all my life ...

Thursday, April 06, 2017

أعذب  صوت شادية تغني لشروق الشمس - الشمس بانت من بعيد  

Wednesday, April 05, 2017

رسالتي الأخيرة || وصية عظيمة من د . مصطفى محمود

Being There .....Or Here ????

Being There ...Or Here ...????

A life that has been granted by the Almighty God should be lived as one wants ,,, as one wishes not as others want or wish ,,,,I have almost  been living all my life  fulfilling  what others want and wish for  & ( except  the period of time when my beloved father was alive  &alas that was very short )... 
No one gave me the right to do what I want ,,, I was a slave to my family's will ... so I spend my life doing what is dictated to me by my nearest people who think that they love me and that they want the best for me ...not realizing that they have turned my life into hell by their wrong decisions ...
Out of love , obedience and good manners I was so naive in social life  despite my sharp thinking and intelligence in education and studies ...
I have spent most of my time in reading rather than socializing ...and may be this has affected my thinking that I assumed the good will of those who used and abused me . 
No one ever was honest in letting me find my own happiness ...even when I thought I had they turned things down and changed every beautiful event that occurred to me into a disaster ...So I left everything behind and traveled  away all alone ...running from all to find serenity and peace of mind and heart ..
Have I then got my goal ? 
Yes and no ....Yes , I cleared up my mind and have some peace , serenity and rest ....I lived as a monk ... all I have is my books ... daily usual activities ...even in my worst times of sickness - when I was all alone , it never affected me negatively ,,,in fact I got stronger - being alone and having hard times makes one very strong , tolerable , independent and more patient ...I survived all the hardships ...I even left to another place again ,,,,and all that never affected me until they started again pressing me with their demands which as usual I was unable to refuse out of love and  obligations .....
Years passed by slowly once and rapidly another ....
I longed for many things inside me ,,, I was unable even to utter a word and if I said anything they would accuse me of all sorts of things least of them that I was wrong and that I don't know where my welfare is ?????
Now after I have been awakened from my long long trance of this mission called love and sacrifice , obedience and manners to all - the question arises : 
" Will I keep being a slave to all ?" 
No , I don't think so ...
Because enough is enough ....
Because there is no more time to spare ...
Because I have to spend the rest of what is left for me the way I want not they way they want ...
Because I have wasted all my life being there ...for them 
Because I want to be here....for ME ...pour MOI ....

Monday, March 06, 2017

Carole Samaha - Wahshani Bladi VC / كارول سماحه - وحشاني بلادي

Saudi Arabia Uncovered

Forgive & Forget

Forgiveness is not easy when one’s life or destiny is ruined by those who wrong him/her for their own benefits and interests …so is forgetting : it is very hard to forgive those who made arrangements , plans and plots just to ruin you in order to get to their goal … how about those who lie to you and deceive you only to make you believe that they act for your interest ,,,how about when your own life depends on something and they know yet they act differently ,,in an opposite direction to reach for their goals leaving you to misery and misfortune ,,, leading to your own doomed sadness ….
I have been thinking for some time about what my nearest and dearest people who have destroyed my life only to get to their goals … I was young when I had to listen to all of them EXCEPT my beloved father …may GOD bless his soul ,,,he was the only one who had a good heart and a pure soul ,,, he wanted me to have happiness and good life BUT all stood against him …and I was such a fool to believe their mean claims that they wanted my happiness and my welfare ….
Time went on and I grew up and grew older …trying to find my own way ,,,but still they were always  there taking and making decisions  to ruin me … and they succeeded in ruining my life or what is left of it ,,, I never stopped listening to them thinking they are looking for me ,,,taking care of me ,despite my intelligence – I was a silly fool who listen to my own enemies who come in the form of family ,,,,siblings ,,,,what a tragedy to be slaughtered by your own people like this .
NOW , the questions come here :
“ Do you forgive those who have hurt ,  wronged and destroyed you ? “  
“ Do you forget all their mean wrong acts ?”
My answer is surely “ NO “ in block capitals .
Why ?
Well .. because my sour and bitter situation in which I am living in now and for many years have been the outcome of their dirty deed ….
I am not an angel ,,, neither  a prophet ,,nor a saint ,,,I am a human being ,,,
What hurts me is that I have always been very kind , generous, compassionate , helpful and a benefactor to them all … may be this is why they all want to keep my good deeds ,,, they are very selfish .. mean and bad ..all they want is TAKING & TAKING till  the last day of my life ,,,never ever do they think of giving or at least stop taking ,,,,
 They say that forgiveness shows strength & I say it is not a matter of strength or weakness ... 
God doesn't forgive the sinners - otherwise there won't be hell ...
All those  nice quotes about forgiveness are meant for people who make mistakes or or twice ,,, YES , well all make mistakes BUT to RUIN one's life foe decades only to get to your BENEFITS  ; to use an innocent good heavenly creature just to get what you want ,,,that is SO MEAN ,,, it is a SIN that can't be forgiven ...
So , in the end  when I think and recall what miseries and hard times I have been through and what situation I am living in right now - I think that they are not worth forgiving ,,,on the contrary they deserve to rot in hell for their bad acts.......

I will not forgive nor forget ....

Blog Archive