Wednesday, January 23, 2013

When Death Is Near ,,,,,

When Death Is Near ,,,

When you realize that your end is near ,,, that death can be any coming minute ,,,
How do you feel ???
What do you do ,,,??
Do you change your acts ..??
Do you keep your own normal usual life ...??
Do you .... or don't you carry on as if nothing will happen ???
Many questions and ideas come across my mind when I realize that I might be close to death ,,, Actually I have been having this sense of close nearby death for some time ,,, yet I was not sure ,,, I thought it was my imagination ,, or probably because I keep thinking of my dead parents ,,, however , now that I am almost near  the end ,,, I have a lot of thinking about so many things concerning myself ,,, my relations with my family ,,so many things I should have done ,, I have not  been able to do ,,, so many places I wanted to visit I have not been able to visit ,,,

I t is so strange how time passed so quickly ,, I can see all my life now in front of my eyes as though I am watching a movie ,,,as if it was yesterday ,, a child playing with my doll so quickly years ,,,decades passed as if they were moments  ,, now that I am recalling my life , I think that if I have the chance to live it again ,I would definitely have not chosen to have this end ,,, throughout my life I have been given so many chances to live happily and more healthily ,, to choose another destiny  BUT because of my unbelievable devotion to my mother who have possessed me rather than loved me ,,, who has en caged me with her  limited world and due to my obedience and love to her ,,,I had preferred her to me ,,, preferred her interests to mine ,,, her way to mine and that was the greatest mistake I have done in my life ,,, in destroying my life and my future ,,,had I been like my other siblings who preferred their way ,, their interests and their life,, I would have lived like a queen ,,,but what to do if you are a good , pious,  benevolent , virtuous  person then you have to pay for your virtues  and that is what I have done ,,,,and that it is what it led me to this end ,,,,
Well , ever since I realized that I have cancer ,,, nothing changed ,,or shall I say ,,,I have not had any different thoughts ,,, feelings ,,,or even reactions concerning this fact ,,,
Some might wonder whether  I am telling the truth or just trying to  make it up ...It is the truth  ,, the very bare truth ,,,,
All I think now is whether I have done my duties in the proper way concerning every one in my life even of a stranger in the street ,,,,

If and if and if ,,,,suppositions and propositions,,, theories and ideas ,,, but reality is reality and that is what is available ,,, no more imagination ,,,,,no more regret ,,, no more over thinking ,,,I am a believer in the Almighty God ,,,so I just have to leave all these tiring ideas and troublesome thinking and let the Almighty God have His mercy on my restless soul till I pass away ,,,

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