Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Used Up

 Used Up 
What has gone cannot be restored ; what  is done is gone and we can never change anything that has passed even a minute ago ,,,I turned on  the TV and there was the last part of   “ The Shawshank Redemption ”, which I must have  watched several times  because it is worth watching  and I like those two actors Tim Robbins & Morgan Freeman ,,,
It was  Morgan Freeman  in that shot wherein he was just released from prison and the next shot when he says:
  ‘I have lived in fear for forty years ‘,,, that sentence rang a bell into my ears ,,, I , myself have lived for others for forty years ,,, I never lived for myself and now I am just too tired to carry on living for others ,,, if I have had this thinking forty years ago ,,, I wouldn't have suffered that much ,,, I wouldn't have experienced all this psychological and physical pain and illness ,,, I could have lived much happier and I could have enjoyed a much better personal life ,,,but I was indulged by others for their own welfare ,, interests and selfishness ,,I was pushed to do so out of altruism = having a loving ,  caring , unselfish nature I preferred them all to my own self and what was the result – they have  all pushed me more to their service
 (  except my dearest loving father whom fate took so early from me to leave me in stormy vicious circles of painful  life )
And so they kept their techniques and methods  to make me aware of that sad truth of their  possession and obsession to enslave me for their service and interests - though they have their own life and they were all settled down living happily with their own small families   but all they thought  about was their own welfare and never any one of them thought of  me as a person who should have my own life to live ,,, they all thought one way or another  that I belong to them and that it was their rights not mine to shower them with all I have whether what I    own  ,, my time ,, my feelings  ,  my life , my sustenance  and all that I get out of work  must be theirs ,,,,this  is outrageous  and can never be accepted by anyone no matter what the relation or the  circumstances around them,,, being the youngest daughter ,another member whose father has passed away and each and every one has got their own dependence and private life  ; however , I was so innocent ,, may be naive and too good to be true that I kept this when I got married  and the man was even more demanding than them so he used me ,,, abused me and finally threw me away as though I do not exist ,,,,
Then I had all sides to foster , care for and live for,  which was terribly wrong because every person should live his / her life ,,,it is their rights and no matter what the relationship between people
 God has created us to live and enjoy our life not to serve others who do not need our care ,,, in real life only  babies need fostering and care till they grow up and therefore I think that I was misused , abused and used by the closest , nearest persons to me and that is UNFAIR and bad ,,,,

Time passed  by and by now I am tired , sick ,, suffering all alone while every one else is enjoying their own life as all normal people 
so I keep wondering  WHY did I have to pay for other people's SELFISHNESS ....???
I do not want to lament the past because I am a patient believer BUT I am writing this to give you a message : BEWARE ,,, NEVER let anyone abuse you ,,live your own life and YES be good to others ,,, give ,, help but do NOT forget your own self  and your own happiness ,,,,
YOU count ,,,not only your family ,,,,

Monday, December 03, 2012

Life Is Full of Surprises

 Life Is Full of Surprises 
 God  always works in mysterious ways for His creators ,, and surely for their own good ,,, we make  plans and decisions for our life and future time ,, we calculate ,,  think and arrange for many things ,,, we might achieve whatever we have planned for -  yet at times we realize that however hard we try to do ; whatever we wish for just go in vain and new paths open for us leading us to completely different ways and new doors indulge us in other routes that we have never thought of ...
 Because we are  selfish creatures , we  wish to fulfill our desires and wishes no matter what the consequences are - even if these are against others'interests , benefits or needs ...
Still , the Almighty guides us and He ,,,only He is able to make our destiny ,,, some people may think that there is such a thing as luck - which helps them achieve their goals = others think it is their own hard work ,, intelligence and endeavor ,,, I say - from my own experience it is first God's plans who draws our destinies  ,,, then we have also to do an effort to help achieve that ,,,,in other words success in life depends on your work ,,, yet your destiny is designed for you by the Almighty God even before you were born  .....
We believe that there are four things destined for you :  your date of birth & death; whether you will enjoy a happy or  miserable life; your  spouse  ; your sustenance ...
From my own  personal experience ,,, I have realized after all this long life I have lived that ultimately all is TRUE ,,,,

I have planned from early age to be a doctor ( a physician )  & to join college of medicine ,,, I was very clever ,, hard working and I always was the first in all my schooling ,,  however , for the first time in all my life I had taken a lower mark in botany and chemistry  at the final  year in the  secondary baccalaureate exams ,, so I was  qualified to join college of medicine in Musil which is at the north of Iraq ... I was still very young - 16 years old so my father ( a conservative )  did not approve  and prevented me of me going there  ,,, so I had to change into another specialization and as I love English , I decided to join English literature because I wanted to be a translator  , and here am I a linguist , a senior  translator and a university professor ,,that was the first proof  which shows that God has  planned our destiny ..
When I was a young girl , I was pretty and there were many suitors around me ,,, most of whom were the best grooms ,, yet I was reluctant to get married so I refused them all without any logical reason and I decided not to be married seeing my elder sisters and brother having so many marriage problems ,, I thought it is better to be single so I  carried on my life enjoying a very successful career and I accommodating  myself to my research and professional life ,,,,
Then marriage emerged out of no where without planning things went coincidentally ,, circumstances played a great role in changing my mind and here comes the role of destiny again ,,,
Time flies as Noam Chomsky says and suddenly I found myself in tempests drowning me in huge  volcanic storms of pain and sufferings ,,, I decided to run away from all this by traveling and leaving everything behind in order to gain my dignity and pride back and  to have peace of mind and serenity from all those shocking unexpected bitter facts which turned my life into a nightmare within months ...
Travelling to another country gave me some relief so I thought as long as I will not go back home due to the new situation ,  I'd apply for asylum and leave my own country altogether = having all the qualifications makes me legible anywhere I like to go ... so applied and they assure me I am the best applicant and  very legible indeed ,,, What else do I want ,,, isn't that great ,,,
No  one  in this  whole world knows what  has fate in store to him/her  - still we dream and work hard to fulfill our so called dreams ...They assured me that within six months to two years I will be in my destination to another continent ,,,,,
Alas ,,, it has been almost three years  and nothing turned out ,,as a previous staff member of  the UN  - I am very well aware of the administrative corruption and so ,,, I am still stuck here when so many illegible applicants have traveled within months ,,, I kept writing  requests in English and Arabic ,, I am also ready to write in French if they require  but most of those who work there are not that good in foreign languages ..... Then comes the blow ,,I have cancer ,,,,so now what happened to my planning ??? 
Now in the middle of all this astonishment ,,, I am so surprised = not because of having cancer ,,, but because of the circumstances in which I have been through ,,,now I have to take care of my health and forget about everything else ,,, 
Another woman might have had a  nervous break down ,be very depressed ,, , not me ,,, being a strong believer in the Almighty makes me serene and patient ,,, I do no care even if I die soon ,,, eventually we will all die ,, no one is  immortal ,,, the only thing that bothers me is waiting for so many things which I might have accomplished , have I  known that this will be my end ,,, 
Well , who knows what could happen tomorrow ... 
I do  believe in miracles ,, so  who knows ,, may be the Almighty will grant me another one,, He had granted me so many miracles in the past and I am a very strong believer in Him ....
All I have to do is wait and see ,,,

Sunday, December 02, 2012

My Story With Cancer ( Part Four)

My Story With Cancer 4 

The nurse then moved to my left hand  which was 

hurting me a lot especially after she stuck that 

plaster on the canola and I realized that there was

something wrong because  the harder she was 

pushing the sterile water the more pain I felt and 

besides instead of flushing the water into the canola 

,, the blood started flowing into the ground and the

 pain was unbearable , the floor was full of blood 

and that stupid inefficient unqualified  nurse was in

 another world ,she was so stubborn insisting that 

she was doing the right thing ,, I told her to stop 


because I was in terrible pain ,, I could have sewed 

her if I was in another mood  or in another world ,,,

 yet I just wanted to

get rid of all that painful procedure , not a drop of 

water was inserted ,,, I kept asking her to stop and

 she did not ,,, I had then to ring the bell ,,, hence an 

Asian nurse came  and she took over ,,, nicely and 

quietly she removed the plaster …then the needle

 and the  canola  .,,I looked at my hand which 

swallowed and turned greenish red ,,, that nurse

 started wiping the blood from the floor and then she 

left the room ,,,

The Asian nurse was very efficient and highly 

qualified ,,, she nicely inserted a new needle into my

 right arm asking me gently if I have pain while

 touching the veins ,,, I did not even feel when she

 inserted the needle and then everything went well ,,, 

I fell asleep as usual and within these two times in 

hospital I have

  finished reading the Qur’an ,, I found myself very 

close to the Almighty God  during this time and this 

is the best I got from this period in my life : patience 

, belief and coming closer to God ,,, They told me 

that I was in the intensive care for hours and that I

 had complications because of inhaling cigarette 

smoke before the operation what a terrible thing

I did not realize when was day and when was night 

,, all I remember  was   the light of the room went on

then off ,,,and between now and then a nurse would 

come to give  me the medication ,,, next day I was 

lying down when suddenly I could not breathe ,, I

 rang the bell and a nurse came over ,,, I told her

that I could not breathe and that there must be 

someone smoking outside the room ,,, she said no 

,,it is not allowed ,,, I insisted because I could smell 

it and I was choked ,, I started feeling dizzy and 

unbalanced ,, then my hand was stiff ,,, I rang the

 bell again and another nurse came over … please I 

said ,,,it is my blood pressure and there is someone 

here smoking ,,, she went out then came and said yes 

,,, the patient in the opposite room   is smoking and

 his door is open ,,, I said please tell him to stop and 

close the door …

A resident doctor came over and I told him  to check

 my blood pressure ,, he kept mumbling of some 

words saying no it is not your blood pressure ,,, I 

requested him nicely and then they brought the 

gadget ,,, 

,, the blood pressure was 20 over 10 ,,, then it 

went 10 over 6 ,,, I pointed to the oxygen and then I  

could not remember anything ,,,I must have 

fainted ,,, I woke some time looking around to see 

that it was dark again ,,,, What a day ????

To Be continued 

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