Saturday, December 01, 2012

Patience Is A Virtue

Patience Is A Virtue

When you are a real  believer you  have patience so you tolerate all sufferings in silence and serenity without complaining unlike other people who become impatient and despondent  for any difficult time or problem they face ,,,

Illness , loss of dear and close persons and   are the most common factors which most people face all over the world in all communities whether rich or poor ,,,educated or ignorant ,, white or black ,, old or young ,,, of all races and nationalities ,,, when we look at the positive attitudes of believers we realize the peace of mind ,, patience , serenity , quietness , inside enlightenment , spiritual purity ,, and of course absolute trust and faith of what is destined to them ,,, that is the secret of happiness and content ,,,

I time of trouble what makes a person strong  and bear the hardships is his/her belief that there is salvation from above and that God works in His  mysterious ways to save His creators ,,

In Our Holy Qur'an Allah addresses His creators and especially the believers  telling them  to call for Him in all times whenever they need Him ,,just call and He is there for them ,, whether in trouble or not or  that all you can do is  call for Me and I will be there for you =
" I am closer to you than your own blood  vein  so call for Me "
I believe in miracles all my life and I have seen  many miracles ,,, I passed away eighteen years ago after my second miscarriage and I came back to life ,, for two minutes and a half I was dead and this was proven by a doctor ,, then I came back to life ,, is'n t that a miracle ,,,!,,,six weeks ago I diagnosed myself  of a thyroid problem  ( and I am not a physician ,,, not a specialist ,, not a doctor  ) ,, in fact I knew without even checking that I have cancer in the thyroid and every one including the doctor disapprove of my word ,,, yet it turned out to be true ,,, it was the Almighty God who inspired me to think and believe in this matter ,,, it turned out that it was bleeding inside for days ,,, haven't I insisted on my thought ,,, what could have happened to me ,,
Aren't these miracles ??
To be a believer means you have to accept and expect the good as well as the bad because life can never be always a green meadow full of beautiful vivid colorful orchards and sweet honey in our mouths ,, there is bitterness and sweetness ,, health & illness, good and bad ,, pain and joy ,, sorrow and love ,, no complete bright way 
We have to be ready for everything and to expect anything ,,, yet with hearts full of serenity and faith that Allah shall not let us down because He loves us ,,,
Allah makes miracles so believe in Him ..He will lead you the way ,,never despair ,,,trust Him ,,,

My Story With Cancer ( Part Three)

My Story With Cancer 3

Ever since I was a small child I have a strong absolute faith and trust in the Almighty God though I did not perform nor practice  the religious rituals i.e. prayers and fasting-   in the proper way  as most teen angers & youth but I used to talk to God and ask Him whatever I  need,,,I  used to look at the sky thinking that there He is ,,, now after knowledge and awareness ,, education and enlightenment I realize He is everywhere ... in our Holy Qur'an the Almighty says :

I am closer to you than your blood vein so call me and I shall grant you all that you wish for 

He always answers my prayers and that is why I am very strong inside knowing that God is with me all the time  all my life ,,

 After my first operation , the surgeon assured me that I was fine and everything is OK ,,,but  I have my own doubts ,,, then after few days of my hospital discharge , he called to say I need a second operation to remove the nodule on the left side as the pathological test shows that it is cancer , we can not risk waiting and we have to remove everything to make sure nothing spread more ,,
I knew it ,, I said ,, so when shall I be admitted again ,, I replied 
As soon as you can ,,,OK , I said  ,,
Next morning at 7.00 am I was at the hospital and here we go again ,,
What really bothers and irritates me is the way those regulations and procedures followed in Arab countries and here I am referring about Amman / Jordan ..Shmaisani Hospital  ,,, I have never in all my life seen surgeons, doctors , nurses and workers smoke inside hospitals and especially in the main hall leading to the operation room ,,, though I have told the nurses from the very  first time I was admitted to hospital that I am hyper sensitive to cigarette smoke and that I had twice stroke and angina because of cigarette smoke which should have been written in my chart ,,,, yet when the nurse came to take  me to the operation room ,,, I could not breathe and I realize that  I was in  a very heavy smoking area which caused me terrible chest pain and I felt the place was moving around ,, it must have been my blood pressure fluctuation ,,, I could feel my arm stiff and could see nothing nor breathe ,,, I heard cries from the woman next to  me shouting ,,,doctor ,,, doctor this patient is dying please help ,,, we were stuffed up in lines like sheep waiting for slaughter ,,, I never realize the time or event ,,, All I could recall is a shaking hazy  face of someone in glasses saying :
I will give you morphine ,,and I could not remember the rest of what he said ,,, just murmuring and strange voices with echos ..
What a pain ,,I woke up to see my self in the room ,, a nurse standing by me looking at my hand and trying to insert a needle ,, it was night ,,, she looked at my hand and said :
I like this hand ,, so beautiful ,,, I smiled ,, 
I then realized that she was pushing the needle in the wrong place because it was so painful and the needle would not go in ,,
Please , I said ,,, you can not find a good vein here ,,I know ,,,
No ,, she said ,, it is OK ,, don't be afraid ,,,I said I am not afraid ,.,but I am sure you will not be able to insert it here ,,please do it in the other hand 
After many attempts she realized I was right , however , she gave me such a pain ,, finally she moved to the left hand ?????
and here  again she was pushing and pushing but it seems that she does not know where to look ,,,I kept crying please you are are not inserting it in the right place ,,, she would not listen and then she put a canola there by force ,, stuck it with plaster and it was clear my hand started swallowing ,, it hurts a lot and was changing color ,, there was a bruise already ,,, then she left and brought the syringe with  sterile water and here come s the worst part ....
To Be Continued....

Thursday, November 29, 2012

My Story With Cancer ( Part Two)

My Story With Cancer (2) 

I was sure it was cancer and it Was God who inspired me to go to the lab and to carry on the procedures ,,,,when you spend decades of your life caring and cherishing someone ,, loving and sacrificing everything for them , preferring them to your own self and thinking that they are your own soul mates - then suddenly you realize that  all that love , passion , care and gentle manner, talk of being the one and only soul mate ,,,that YOU are one of a kind and there is no one in this whole world like you ,,, JUST disappear,, evaporate ,,, gone with the wind ,, cast away in moments 
How do you feel when you realize that they are betraying you and you are no more than a bridge to pass through to their goal and you are only a puppet , a toy by which they play for years and once they saw another toy they throw you you  without a reason ,you were only a door to open a new world for them ,,, the wound is too big ,,, too deep to heal ,,, what happens then when you keep quiet and bury your sadness , sorrow and misery silently into your heart and soul ,,, the result is cancer ,,, yes = most recent researches have proven that cancer is an outcome of grief ,,, miseries and melancholy especially with  quiet and calm persons ,, those who do not show  nor express their inner feelings to others ,,, I was ,, am and will always be that sort of person who never say anything but keep quiet when others hurt me ,,, I might cry a little ,,,I might say one or two words but never shout nor discuss , this is my nature all my life but this time the wound is too deep ,,it was a dagger into my heart ,,, may  be I am the submissive type ,,, the other person  let me down ,, let go and keeps on his normal life enjoying his new life as if I do not exist ,, nor did I stood by him at the most difficult times in his life ,, supported him and loved him ,,, in short = he deleted me ,, terminated me of existence so that pain and heart ache kept burning me inside  out ,,,I was eaten up so quickly ,, in less than  a year  I recognized that my hair was falling in an unusual way ,, I got osteoporosis ,, high cholesterol ,, sugar  ,,, I was gaining weight though I follow a diet and eat very healthy food ,, I am interested in reading medical as well as nutritious journals and magazines ,, I have joined four US & British web  sites of these topics and I was reading all the time ,,  day by day things developed and it was crystal clear I am a cancerous patient,,,, 
The thought of calling my partner and telling him about this subject gives me the creep ,,, I thought he would surely hate me more since he abandoned me while I was in my health ,,, no way will he return to me while I was sick and certainly when I am having cancer ,,, and what would he do ,, he might gloat and nothing worse than this feeling towards an innocent person who is suffering of such a thing out of control ,,, I have not created cancer nor have I infected my self with it ,,, it is God's destiny ... God's work and I am happy with whatever God does to me ,,, He is my Creator and He can do whatever He wants to me ,, He can take my soul and He can cure me BUT I will never beg for sympathy ,,,still I wrote messages to see the reaction ...
Alas ,, not a word ,, not a phone call ,, not even a line not a mobile message ,,,it was then that I was positive the man has abandoned me completely , for ever ,, so why bother keep degrading and humiliating myself any more ,,,,
Having cancer during this period of my life has given me strength to fight ,,, being a real believer in the Almighty ,,, suffering all alone and having such a sign from God to inspire me and go for checking without even going to a specialist  was a great 
  challenge for me ,,, being a serene  patient person who tolerate all sorts of difficulties alone and stay alive ,,,forgetting or trying to forget my the bad times and moving along as though I was the happiest person in the world for decades made me expect and accept everything even cancer ,,,
I then decided to carry on all alone ,, my siblings were sad and cry all the time when they call me ,,, they broke my heart ,,they  did their best to get visas but were rejected  ,, they were calling every day ,,writing messages and praying for me  ,, they all wanted to come over but I refused  because all of them are old and ill---- besides , what will they do if they come as they need care  ,,, they  were so worried ,,helpless and in terrible pain .....
Life is really a challenge  ,, it is full of surprises ,,, and I am a challenger ,,no way would I retreat  this time ,,, I have always been struggling with difficulties , but of various types not illness ,, after my father died things changed upside down in my life ,,, I was living happily in luxury and extra vacancy , people used to call me THE QUEEN ,,,,,, suddenly everything turned over and I had to work to support myself and my mother after all the wealth , money and possession vanished in few years  ,,,,but I did not mind because I enjoyed working and I love my work ,,, so it was not such a problem ,,, may  be that was nothing for me ,,, I am strong not only in personality and character ,, but against the blowing winds ,,, I stood tall against all the stormy winds  which blew into my face suddenly ,,, from a queen as people used to call me in the past into 
a hard working person ,,, yet I love my career and  I have charisma  ,,, every one says so ,,, I  was a prominent distinguished person ...,I never care for trivial matters ,,, 
Time went  by ,,, years passed so quickly  and here am I surviving cancer all alone ,, with my faith and belief in the Almighty and His mercy ,,, with a relief and serenity that He and only He can either make me die or live and that I am ready for both ,,,
To Be Continued 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

My Story With Cancer ( Part One)

My Story With Cancer ( 1) 
Cancer ,,,this word has become a taboo in our century ,,,when people hear that someone has cancer they run away thinking that they will get it as if it is contagious  .. not only  that but in our eastern Arab societies cancer is always associated with tragic death and therefore it causes unrest ,,, fear and panic ,,,, 
What about patients who suffer from cancer ,,, how do they react when they hear from their doctors that they are diagnosed as cancerous ,,,??
 This depends on your attitudes towards everything in life ,, as I mentioned previously there are two types of people as there two attitudes = positive and negative ,,, now who usually have positive attitudes ?
 People with positive personalities are real believers ,,who enjoy serenity and patience despite all difficulties and problems,,, those who tolerate all sorts of sufferings ,, problems and hardships in silence and strength and those are THE REAL BELIEVERS whichever their religion , nationality ,race or  color they are ,,, 
 Education here is also very important and by education I do not  mean what the  sort of degree one holds because sometimes you see a PhD holder who is less comprehensive nor understanding  than the layman ,,, so by education I mean the LEARNED ,,, the person who enjoys awareness and who accepts whatever is destined to him/her with serenity and peace of mind ,,, with patience and strength ,, with BELIEF that the Almighty will NEVER let him/ her down ,,,in addition to all this we should educate ourselves in most fields and especially the scientific and medical information and knowledge concerning all sorts of diseases , illnesses ,, infections because these are part of our daily life ,,part of us ,,, 
We should always put ourselves into other people 's shoes to realize and be prepared for the unknown because no one on this whole globe knows what will happen next hour ,,, next moment not next year = whether to  him/her personally or to the world ,,, we are living in the UNEXPECTED  ,,,
 To be a real believer in God one should be prepared for all sorts of happy as well as sad events ,, good and bad ,, there is no  COMPLETE one way line in life BUT how to tackle this when suddenly you are told that you have CANCER ????
For me , I think cancer is not different at all from any other illness or disease = it can be cured or not ,,, some people die of Cholera ,,, Influenza ,, Diarrhea,,,,,Stroke  ,,, even of  Fever ,,, eventually we will all die ,as for me I believe in life after death and I do not mind ,,I am in fact waiting for my death any moment because life is not eternal ...,,
 I think that the panic from cancer is not only because of death ,,, but because it is always associated with loss of hair ,, use of chemotherapy ,, radiation and probably of the name itself  ,,,
Last year passing by car under the bridges - seeing those posters of young bald  children with the signs about CANCER ,,, I kept thinking ,,,my goodness these are small angels ,, what have they seen of life- they are only  4 ...5 years of age ,,, what about me ,, I thought ,,I have had such a full life  I had a very happy childhood and youth ,, I had my  higher  education ,, I traveled ,,, I  got high posts ,,, I taught large numbers of  university students ,, I trained employers and officials ,,, I had good relations with  all those with whom I lived or worked ,,,  I published articles and I contributed to the society and to my country ,,, I was a successful person who had quite a rich and full life ,,,I got married,,, I am still alive and healthy ,,, what if I had cancer  instead and one of those was cured ,,, this idea haunted me ,,, and I prayed to the Almighty to cure those kids or at least one of them ,,,,
A year or so passed and I had a personal private problem which agitated me ,,, raged me ,, hurt me a lot ,,, I was under a terrible pressure , I was suffering ,, these were my most difficult times of my life ,, I was all alone running away from that problem when I felt a pain under my right chin one day  ,, I looked at the mirror and there it was a nodule which was clear and large ,, I phoned all  those friends and family members  who were suffering from thyroid problems and those who have their thyroid removed ,,, all denied my doubts saying that it should be in the middle not on the side ,,,yet I never was sure ,,, few days later the pain started on the right side and I could see the enlarge nodule as well ,,, no way  I thought   ,,, the next morning I went to the lab and asked for a Thyroid blood test ,, the nurse asked me  if I require the  three types tests ,, I am not a specialist nor a physician ,,, however I said yes ,,, 
Next morning I got results of the tests ,,, looked at the charge and average numbers and descriptions ,,, it says ,,,there is nothing wrong ,,, still I was not convinced ,,, I  had a strong belief  that I do have cancer ,,or at least a problem  with my thyroid ,,,  I  went home called an ENT ,,neck surgeon and took an appointment for Saturday ,,
On Saturday , I went to him and he checked my beck and looked at the lab tests saying there is nothing wrong ,,, 
Are you sure ,,I said ,, yes ,, it seems OK ,, may be there is an infection ,, anyway if  you insist go downstairs to the ultra sound unit to make sure ,,,
There I was at the ultra sound table looking at the picture ,, it is quite clear ,, yes,,, said the specialist there is a big nodule on the right and small ones at the left ,,, 
Do you think it is cancer ?? I said ,,, I can not tell that ,, he said ,,your surgeon will tell you ... thank you ,,I said 
Going up the stairs I thought it must  be operated ,, I came to the surgeon ,,showing him the report ,,, he looked at me and was hesitant to talk ,so to make things easy for him ,I said : 
  I have cancer and I need an operation ,, 
He was surprised ,, yes ,, I am afraid so ,,,He said 
OK ,,I replied ,, I was not scared nor surprised ,,, I was sure right from the beginning ,,,
To Be Continued  

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