Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Where Did I Go Wrong ????

Where Did She  Go Wrong???

She keeps thinking ,,, recalling .,,,,talking to herself ,,lamenting  her past ,,,or shall I say life ,,,,who knows what would happen next ,,,,now that she  is so close to death ,,,,she is bewildered ,,, confused ,,, not knowing nor realizing what has happened ....not because of death ,,, she is a strong believer and such a tolerant patient person all her life ,,,
Here she is again , watching one of John Cusuk's  movie  which is entitled ( 1408) -  that she   might have seen  many times ,,,about broken relations ,,, desperate situations ,,, she  thinks=  where did she  go wrong ??? what has  she  done ??? What has she  said ??? She has  been so caring ,,, loving ,,, so  good to be true even =he himself told her several times = there is no one at all like you ,,,you are unique ,, you are one of a kind ,,if I go around the whole world I will never find a woman like you ,,, that was what  he used to say to her  and it is true  ,,  she   did everything  to make him happy ,,, she suffered ,,, worked hard ,,, she was his everything ,,, she never complained ,,,despite all his faults ,,she cling ed to him as a baby clinging to his mother ,,,,she loved him so much and was ready to do anything for him ,,, he was kind , polite and gentle ,,, yes he was not like the others who offered her everything ,,,yes he made her live like a horse working day and night and most her time with her he spent with his own  family rather than with her  ,,,whatever he got was  for them ,yet she bore all that without complaining because during those long years all her siblings deserted her ,,, abandoned her for no reason or may be because he became first and they realized that he took their place in her heart which was not what they want at all nor what they expected so they started warning her from him ,, but she did not care to others' remarks and advises ,,she accepted all his behaviour even those which affect their relations , she challenged  all by marrying him and she was ready for that challenge  and for the consequences  as well not realizing that the day will come when he will reject her ,,,he marginalized her all the time  , that was a signal but she was not convinced of the fact that he was only acting ,, he never loved her as he said nor as she thought , ,she was patient hoping that he will change ,, and so she had to tolerate everything including his cheating and affairs which was piercing into heart like a dagger  ,,, she knew he was cheating on her but her dignity and pride would not let her confess nor face the reality  , especially that all the previous suitors were almost perfect in everything but she refused them  for no reason ,,, he had his charm on her ,,, he fooled her ,,, bluffed her with nice words and gentle manners  and she has a heart and soul of a child until now ,,, ,,,every one says so  including him ,,, she grew in age but her personality despite her cleverness and brilliant mind, she bears a heart of a baby she kept silent and patient hoping that he finally will go  back to his senses ,,,until that day in which he came to her after all these long years of devotion  to tell her that he married another woman ,,,,she was deeply  hurt ,,,she could not stand it anymore ,, he was so indifferent ,,so mean  for  some time before that  with her , behaved in a strange manners for months ,, he was absent all the time ,, he lied about his absence saying that he had a job in other provinces , but when he came home he looked so fresh with perfume not of his and clean clothes ,, even some time s he would have his hair wet which means that he had a shower only minutes ago  ,,, he kept mocking her ,, trying to find faults with her until one he made a quarrel without a reason ,,, then he started calling her names ,,he was shouting at her saying
" I have made the wrong choice by marrying you"
Thanks a lot ,,she said
May God bless you
Was her reply ,,, she went to the kitchen with tears burning her cheeks  like fire  ,
From now on I do not you to wash nor iron my shirts ,,,I do not even want to eat here ,,, do not cook for me ,,,he shouted ,, I will not eat here any more ,,,
She kept silent ,,, was so astounded ,,,why would he say so .,,,
He dressed nicely and left without even saying good bye or where was he going ,,,
All that happened before his confession of the new marriage ,,,
So many times she asked him whether he had another woman ,,, he would laugh and say ,,, what an imaginitive person you are ,,,,
BUT when he confessed to her aboutmarrying a second woman justifying this that it was only a project for their own interest and that the other woman is wealthy ,,that he married her because of her money ,,,WHAT A REASON ,,???
She then told him to divorce her because she did NOT want money ,,,she was already working and so
she did not need money ,,, he said only to improve our financial situation ,,, what a weak justification ,,,
why did he prefer another woman ,,,what has this other woman got which she has not got ,,,,she saw her picture ,,,she was beneath her socially and educationally  and not as beautiful as she is ,,, why did he prefer that woman ,,,she never knows ,,,
She has suspected him a year ago or even more ,,, but whenever she told her siblings they would tell her to " Shut Up" , This is only imagination ,,,

A woman 's feelings towards her man is always true especially if they  have lived long years together ;however , he was  aman who like s to be the centre of women's attraction despite everything ..and that was his priority ,,,not evn thinking nor caring for his paertner's feelings -
 he has hurt her a lot ,,, and now that was the last thing she would bear ,,, she decided to leave him and so she asked him for a divorce many times ,,,he refused and she never realized why ,,,as long as he does not want her ,,,why would he keep her ,,, he spent all his time in the other lady's house and he rarely came to see her ,,, then she realized  the truth ,,,he hates her ,,, he has been pretending ,,, acting for years ,,, he never loved her ,,, she was living in an illusion ,,,she was living in her own  dreams ,,, ,,,now that she is recalling all these past years ,,the ugly truth came to her ,,,
How painful it is to see yourself  falling in a trap like this ,,, however , she loved him dearly and never wanted to lose him though she was deeply  hurt ,, a profound wound cut through her heart ,,,but no more humiliation and therefore she has to keep her dignity and pride ,,, as long a he does not want her why is she staying in his life just a dead object ,,,



We always sympathize with others ,whether for those suffering from natural disasters ,, man made disasters ,, diseases ,,, whatever ,,, however, when we know those who are sufferings ,, it is more prominent or shall I say our sharing and sympathy is more ,,, ,, when we hear about someone who is suffering from an illness especially those fatal diseases such as cancer or aids ,,, we feel sad or may be upset ,, we might cry  then we pray for the Almighty to cure  them  ,,, whatever hard or painful  the suffering of others is ,, surely we can never realize it as they do ,,, we can never be in their shoes ,,, BUT how if we are those patients ,,, what if we are in that situation ,,, what if we  get cancer ,,what if we know that our days are almost finished and our end is very very near ,,, how will our reaction be ...
It is either that we panic ,,, scared ,,, cry ,,, do not believe it ,,,so we become helpless ,,, hopeless ,,disappointed and then we might have a nervous break down ,,,,thus we deteriorate ,,,
If we are REAL believers ,,, we accept it gladly and just keep on living  our last days peacefully ,,praying to the Almighty to make our death calm ,,,near and with less suffering ,,, less pain ,,, we might want to stop all those acts and situations that hurt us and we forgive all those who hurt us in our life ,,,we might not want our dearest and nearest know about this ,,,however , sooner or later they will know ,, because we are near to death ,,,,
If we have some people in our life who have let us down though we have NEVER done so ,,, I , myself , would not want such people to know anything about my cancer ,,,because I will either get their pity instead of love or their gloating ,,, so it is better to stay away from those and not letting them see you if you know that they do not really love you especially if they given you up in your most difficult times ,,,while you were always for them when they wee in their most difficult time s...
Cancer is only a way of death ,,,because eventually we Will all die in many different ways ,,,whether illnesses , diseases , or any other cause ,,, so why fear ,,, leave it to God and spend the rest of your days in patience and prayers ,,, enjoy the few days as much as you can or at least be serene and calm ,,,do good things to others ,,,s eek treatment if there is ,,, and wait calmly and patiently to your day to come ,,, it will come soon ,,


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Welcome Death

Welcome Death

How strange it is that for a life time one never think about the time of death ,,, yet when one realizes that death is near ,, there come s a serenity and relief ,,, it is like a roaring wind which suddenly calms down ,,, the last step of  a long  marathon that tires the competitors who just feel out of breath and who are excited but weary and they no more think of winning or losing but to get to the end ,,,,

Life is so strange ,, you spend it in a struggle ,,, a race ,,, a game sometimes ,, a war in another ,,, you love ,, work ,, run ,,, do all you can to get to your goals and how many are these ,,, so many ,,,not realizing that this will all stop in a moment ,,, not even a minute  nor a second ,,, if you are a strong believer ,, you will feel at ease ,,, peace of mind and soul ,,, a great relief ,,, as if you have won the best price which you have been working for for all your long life ,,, if you are not a believer , however, you might panic ,, be scared to death - what an expression ,= TO DEATH ,,,

I am so content ,, serenity fills my heart ,,, peace of mind controls my brain ,,, peace of soul sheds my soul and finally I would Say I am relieved that everything will just end soon ,,, yet - I believe no one is so sure because it all goes to the Almighty's decision and word ,,,not others to decide ,,,

The best thing here is that when one recalls his / her life & one has not oppressed nor hurt any one throughout their life ,,, this I would say is the best time for us all to remember not to hurt anyone but to love ,,  give ,,, help ,, support ,, be kind and good to all ,,,in order to go and leave this world free from vicious or vices but full of virtues and goodness ,,isn't that marvellous to be pure and virtuous ,,

Life is death and death is life ,,, I remember that I wrote this sentence decades ago when I was in the secondary school ,,, or may be before ,,, I used to write nice compositions at school ,,, I was the first and best in class ,,, my teacher used to collect all my compositions and send them I do not know where to ,,, but once she told me that I will make a very good writer ,,,I  laughed and replied that I wanted to be a doctor ,,
," All your compositions are marvellous "... she used to say ,,, "they are as though written by a mature experienced old person ,,,"   I never realized that but lately when I started writing ,,, years ago I wrote a lot of stories ,,, biography ,,, poetry ,, then I torn everything lest someone will read them ,,, now regret tearing them off ...

Welcome death ,,, I am waiting patiently ,,,,

Blog Archive