I was sure it was cancer and it Was God who inspired me to go to the lab and to carry on the procedures ,,,,when you spend decades of your life caring and cherishing someone ,, loving and sacrificing everything for them , preferring them to your own self and thinking that they are your own soul mates - then suddenly you realize that all that love , passion , care and gentle manner, talk of being the one and only soul mate ,,,that YOU are one of a kind and there is no one in this whole world like you ,,, JUST disappear,, evaporate ,,, gone with the wind ,, cast away in moments
How do you feel when you realize that they are betraying you and you are no more than a bridge to pass through to their goal and you are only a puppet , a toy by which they play for years and once they saw another toy they throw you you without a reason ,you were only a door to open a new world for them ,,, the wound is too big ,,, too deep to heal ,,, what happens then when you keep quiet and bury your sadness , sorrow and misery silently into your heart and soul ,,, the result is cancer ,,, yes = most recent researches have proven that cancer is an outcome of grief ,,, miseries and melancholy especially with quiet and calm persons ,, those who do not show nor express their inner feelings to others ,,, I was ,, am and will always be that sort of person who never say anything but keep quiet when others hurt me ,,, I might cry a little ,,,I might say one or two words but never shout nor discuss , this is my nature all my life but this time the wound is too deep ,,it was a dagger into my heart ,,, may be I am the submissive type ,,, the other person let me down ,, let go and keeps on his normal life enjoying his new life as if I do not exist ,, nor did I stood by him at the most difficult times in his life ,, supported him and loved him ,,, in short = he deleted me ,, terminated me of existence so that pain and heart ache kept burning me inside out ,,,I was eaten up so quickly ,, in less than a year I recognized that my hair was falling in an unusual way ,, I got osteoporosis ,, high cholesterol ,, sugar ,,, I was gaining weight though I follow a diet and eat very healthy food ,, I am interested in reading medical as well as nutritious journals and magazines ,, I have joined four US & British web sites of these topics and I was reading all the time ,, day by day things developed and it was crystal clear I am a cancerous patient,,,,
The thought of calling my partner and telling him about this subject gives me the creep ,,, I thought he would surely hate me more since he abandoned me while I was in my health ,,, no way will he return to me while I was sick and certainly when I am having cancer ,,, and what would he do ,, he might gloat and nothing worse than this feeling towards an innocent person who is suffering of such a thing out of control ,,, I have not created cancer nor have I infected my self with it ,,, it is God's destiny ... God's work and I am happy with whatever God does to me ,,, He is my Creator and He can do whatever He wants to me ,, He can take my soul and He can cure me BUT I will never beg for sympathy ,,,still I wrote messages to see the reaction ...
Alas ,, not a word ,, not a phone call ,, not even a line not a mobile message ,,,it was then that I was positive the man has abandoned me completely , for ever ,, so why bother keep degrading and humiliating myself any more ,,,,
Having cancer during this period of my life has given me strength to fight ,,, being a real believer in the Almighty ,,, suffering all alone and having such a sign from God to inspire me and go for checking without even going to a specialist was a great
challenge for me ,,, being a serene patient person who tolerate all sorts of difficulties alone and stay alive ,,,forgetting or trying to forget my the bad times and moving along as though I was the happiest person in the world for decades made me expect and accept everything even cancer ,,,
I then decided to carry on all alone ,, my siblings were sad and cry all the time when they call me ,,, they broke my heart ,,they did their best to get visas but were rejected ,, they were calling every day ,,writing messages and praying for me ,, they all wanted to come over but I refused because all of them are old and ill---- besides , what will they do if they come as they need care ,,, they were so worried ,,helpless and in terrible pain .....
Life is really a challenge ,, it is full of surprises ,,, and I am a challenger ,,no way would I retreat this time ,,, I have always been struggling with difficulties , but of various types not illness ,, after my father died things changed upside down in my life ,,, I was living happily in luxury and extra vacancy , people used to call me THE QUEEN ,,,,,, suddenly everything turned over and I had to work to support myself and my mother after all the wealth , money and possession vanished in few years ,,,,but I did not mind because I enjoyed working and I love my work ,,, so it was not such a problem ,,, may be that was nothing for me ,,, I am strong not only in personality and character ,, but against the blowing winds ,,, I stood tall against all the stormy winds which blew into my face suddenly ,,, from a queen as people used to call me in the past into
a hard working person ,,, yet I love my career and I have charisma ,,, every one says so ,,, I was a prominent distinguished person ...,I never care for trivial matters ,,,
Time went by ,,, years passed so quickly and here am I surviving cancer all alone ,, with my faith and belief in the Almighty and His mercy ,,, with a relief and serenity that He and only He can either make me die or live and that I am ready for both ,,,
To Be Continued