As years pass by ,,, I keep thinking whether I am a FOOL or what?? ,,, I have always been loving ,, caring ,,, kind ,, good hear-ted ,, forgiving , generous ,,,almost too good to be true for for all those whom I know - whether family ,, friends ,, relatives ,, colleagues ,, students ,, superiors ,, I kept loving and caring ,, giving without limits ,, that is what I could give ; yet ,,, in return on one ever shared a good merit with me ,,, in fact each one was and still is expecting me to keep the flow and never thinks that the fountain has dried ,, the ocean has disappeared ,, the bank has been bankrupt ,, the soul became tired ,,,the brain has realized that it is no more than abusing and using ,,, there is no real feeling ,, no love ,, nothing in return for all that goodness ,,, every one whom I have been good to thinks that it is my duty to be like that whereas he/ she should keep taking and receiving BUT never pay back = here I am not talking about money ,,, I am talking about feeling,, reciprocal ,, mutual ,,, understanding ,,, why do you have always to be good to others when they are bad to you ???
I always say that it is time to change ,,,
I wanted to be a wolf ,,, enough of being a lamb for decades ,,, so I thought and planned ,,,decided to start my new policy and tactics ,,, alas , each day passes I was postponing my execution ,, I kept delaying and at the same time I was very bewildered ,,,
" When shall I start ,,I said to myself ? "
Days ,, weeks ,, months ,, a year ,, two years ,,,passed and I was paralyzed ,,, unable even to utter a bad hurting word to anyone of those who hurt me a lot ,,, I thought I was a coward ,, I should change ,, I must change ,,, BUT in vain ,, It is so difficult for me ,, I can never change ,,, since I was a small child I never return any abuse or bullying,,, I would just leave those who hurt me and this is the result ,,, no matter how badly others treat me ,, unfair ,,, I just leave them to God ,,, sometimes I think whether this is human ,,,it is more angelic ,,, some people say : come down to earth ,you are too good to be human ,, BUT I can not ,,,
At times I feel that I am better this way = at least I will face the Almighty with good ,,pure ,, clean heart and soul ,,, I never hurt others even if they hurt me ,,, so it is better to be hurt than hurt others ,, I might be mistaken ,, BUT who knows what is good or bad in the other world ,, in the day of judgment I prefer to be oppressed than be an oppressor,,, to be a giver than a receiver ,,, to be good rather than bad ,,, to be hurt rather than hurt others ,,,I sleep with no remorse ,,, I have love and conscious that can be spread on many souls ,,, one day a friend said to me a sentence which I always remember =
I envy the earth which you walk on
A colleague once said to me :
You are so lucky...
I replied : Why ?
He said : Everyone loves you ,, this is a blessing ,,,you have no enemy ,,
I was flattered by all praise and sometimes when I remember these and other remarks - I feel happy ,,, contented ,, satisfied ,, serene ,, so I say to my self ,,,
Better be a lamb ,, stay a lamb than be a wolf in this world which is full of wolves ,,,after all I am not a fool ,,, I am a good person ,,,,