Thursday, December 27, 2012

New Year & New Mystery

New Year & New Mystery

In few days a new year is coming ,,,,
Is it going to be a good year or a bad year ??
Are decision makers ,,,those who rule the world going to make it another violent deadly year or are they tired of killing and slaughtering ??
Are we going to be any better ,,more humanitarian ,,less malicious,,more selfish ...less materialistic,,,less evil ,,,more human,,,less vicious ,,, more conscientious,,, ??
Is this year facing more natural disasters,,,man - made disasters ???
Are we going to overcome our desire to dominate ,,,to own others???
Shall we find cures for fatal  diseases ,,, &  will we be able to solve serious problems ???
Shall we face a third world war????
Are we going to be fair to those whom we have hurt??? misjudged  ??? oppressed ??treated badly??deserted for no reason ??? or shall we keep our unfair behavior & judgment to others ??
Will this new year be as we plan for ,,,if we have planned for any change at all ???
Will there be more bloodshed and blood baths all over the world ??
Will those poor stupid naive Arabs stay fighting each other for no reason just because Israel & the USA have fooled them that they are having a  green Arab spring which is no more than a slaughter house where the former two devils have planned to execute their vicious malicious scheme to tear this stupid nation into bits and pieces ,,,,
What and How ,,,Why and Where ,,,all various questions and unlimited hopes and desires for a BETTER ,,,EASIER ,, MORE PEACEFUL,,,MORE BLESSED future ,,,
LET US PRAY ALL for a more peaceful year ,,,a year of love & blessings ,,,bliss and mercy ,,
a year of more humanitarian hearts and loving souls
If only Israel & the USA stop their evil malicious devilish serpent greediness ,,,the whole world will live in peace and happiness ,,
May 2013 be a peaceful happy year ,,,let alone our own personal wished and hopes ....

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Benevolence & Piousness

Benevolence & Piousness 

Being a believer - whichever your religion is - , a benevolent , a pious , good person sometimes make s you a prey for those evil- minded , wicked , beneficiaries  whose main goal is to get whatever they want by using others' good will and kind- hear ted people who  are ready to give without return ,,,
When time pass by and s good person suddenly realize that they have been used up throughout their life from all those around them and from those whom they loved most and sacrificed everything for without asking ,,,it can be a great shock which might put them to death ,,,or very close to death ,,, yet when we think that  this fact of being so good to be true to every one and in return one gets harm ,, hurt ,, all sorts of unexpected bad behavior ,,, one can reach to a very high degree of piousness and benevolence to which probably only angels reach - that is by forgiving and forgetting others 's malice and bad acts ,,,this may take a very patient and strong believer and hence comes the reality of who we really are and whether we are believers or not ,,,
Sometimes it take s a person one day to understand another person ,,,sometimes one does not understand another person not in decades ,,, the reason behind this fact is simple = when a person is honest , true , pious , decent ,  frank then he/ she can be an easy   prey for impostors who look for such an innocent lamb to be trapped in their claws ...
The question which I always ask myself here is = 
At the end 
which of these two are better ??
which are the winners?
which do you really want to be ?
As for me , personally, I think I would go for the prey rather than the hunter ..
Well, being a prey during this life will put you to all sorts of sufferings , pain , loss of many materialistic things such as money, assets , valuables, possessions ,,, whatever things that you can replace later ...
If you think that you are a good hunter ,,being an impostor ,,,hunting whichever is not yours ,, exploiting innocent good people - will eventually lead you to could spend your worldly life in nightmares ,, you could lose whatever you take ,,, you could have all sorts of bad things during your journey of life - not realizing that  you are in fact getting your punishment here before even going to the other world ,,,
A large number of people say = who knows whether there will be punishment or rewards in the other world ,,or is there another world ??
I say = being a true believer is the answer ,, surely there is another world and that is TRUTH ,,a FACT which we must never doubt ...
Being good , pious , benevolent and honest makes a person happy , contented and can tolerate hardships and difficulties, sickness and obstacles with patience and without despair nor fear .


Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Used Up

 Used Up 
What has gone cannot be restored ; what  is done is gone and we can never change anything that has passed even a minute ago ,,,I turned on  the TV and there was the last part of   “ The Shawshank Redemption ”, which I must have  watched several times  because it is worth watching  and I like those two actors Tim Robbins & Morgan Freeman ,,,
It was  Morgan Freeman  in that shot wherein he was just released from prison and the next shot when he says:
  ‘I have lived in fear for forty years ‘,,, that sentence rang a bell into my ears ,,, I , myself have lived for others for forty years ,,, I never lived for myself and now I am just too tired to carry on living for others ,,, if I have had this thinking forty years ago ,,, I wouldn't have suffered that much ,,, I wouldn't have experienced all this psychological and physical pain and illness ,,, I could have lived much happier and I could have enjoyed a much better personal life ,,,but I was indulged by others for their own welfare ,, interests and selfishness ,,I was pushed to do so out of altruism = having a loving ,  caring , unselfish nature I preferred them all to my own self and what was the result – they have  all pushed me more to their service
 (  except my dearest loving father whom fate took so early from me to leave me in stormy vicious circles of painful  life )
And so they kept their techniques and methods  to make me aware of that sad truth of their  possession and obsession to enslave me for their service and interests - though they have their own life and they were all settled down living happily with their own small families   but all they thought  about was their own welfare and never any one of them thought of  me as a person who should have my own life to live ,,, they all thought one way or another  that I belong to them and that it was their rights not mine to shower them with all I have whether what I    own  ,, my time ,, my feelings  ,  my life , my sustenance  and all that I get out of work  must be theirs ,,,,this  is outrageous  and can never be accepted by anyone no matter what the relation or the  circumstances around them,,, being the youngest daughter ,another member whose father has passed away and each and every one has got their own dependence and private life  ; however , I was so innocent ,, may be naive and too good to be true that I kept this when I got married  and the man was even more demanding than them so he used me ,,, abused me and finally threw me away as though I do not exist ,,,,
Then I had all sides to foster , care for and live for,  which was terribly wrong because every person should live his / her life ,,,it is their rights and no matter what the relationship between people
 God has created us to live and enjoy our life not to serve others who do not need our care ,,, in real life only  babies need fostering and care till they grow up and therefore I think that I was misused , abused and used by the closest , nearest persons to me and that is UNFAIR and bad ,,,,

Time passed  by and by now I am tired , sick ,, suffering all alone while every one else is enjoying their own life as all normal people 
so I keep wondering  WHY did I have to pay for other people's SELFISHNESS ....???
I do not want to lament the past because I am a patient believer BUT I am writing this to give you a message : BEWARE ,,, NEVER let anyone abuse you ,,live your own life and YES be good to others ,,, give ,, help but do NOT forget your own self  and your own happiness ,,,,
YOU count ,,,not only your family ,,,,

Monday, December 03, 2012

Life Is Full of Surprises

 Life Is Full of Surprises 
 God  always works in mysterious ways for His creators ,, and surely for their own good ,,, we make  plans and decisions for our life and future time ,, we calculate ,,  think and arrange for many things ,,, we might achieve whatever we have planned for -  yet at times we realize that however hard we try to do ; whatever we wish for just go in vain and new paths open for us leading us to completely different ways and new doors indulge us in other routes that we have never thought of ...
 Because we are  selfish creatures , we  wish to fulfill our desires and wishes no matter what the consequences are - even if these are against others'interests , benefits or needs ...
Still , the Almighty guides us and He ,,,only He is able to make our destiny ,,, some people may think that there is such a thing as luck - which helps them achieve their goals = others think it is their own hard work ,, intelligence and endeavor ,,, I say - from my own experience it is first God's plans who draws our destinies  ,,, then we have also to do an effort to help achieve that ,,,,in other words success in life depends on your work ,,, yet your destiny is designed for you by the Almighty God even before you were born  .....
We believe that there are four things destined for you :  your date of birth & death; whether you will enjoy a happy or  miserable life; your  spouse  ; your sustenance ...
From my own  personal experience ,,, I have realized after all this long life I have lived that ultimately all is TRUE ,,,,

I have planned from early age to be a doctor ( a physician )  & to join college of medicine ,,, I was very clever ,, hard working and I always was the first in all my schooling ,,  however , for the first time in all my life I had taken a lower mark in botany and chemistry  at the final  year in the  secondary baccalaureate exams ,, so I was  qualified to join college of medicine in Musil which is at the north of Iraq ... I was still very young - 16 years old so my father ( a conservative )  did not approve  and prevented me of me going there  ,,, so I had to change into another specialization and as I love English , I decided to join English literature because I wanted to be a translator  , and here am I a linguist , a senior  translator and a university professor ,,that was the first proof  which shows that God has  planned our destiny ..
When I was a young girl , I was pretty and there were many suitors around me ,,, most of whom were the best grooms ,, yet I was reluctant to get married so I refused them all without any logical reason and I decided not to be married seeing my elder sisters and brother having so many marriage problems ,, I thought it is better to be single so I  carried on my life enjoying a very successful career and I accommodating  myself to my research and professional life ,,,,
Then marriage emerged out of no where without planning things went coincidentally ,, circumstances played a great role in changing my mind and here comes the role of destiny again ,,,
Time flies as Noam Chomsky says and suddenly I found myself in tempests drowning me in huge  volcanic storms of pain and sufferings ,,, I decided to run away from all this by traveling and leaving everything behind in order to gain my dignity and pride back and  to have peace of mind and serenity from all those shocking unexpected bitter facts which turned my life into a nightmare within months ...
Travelling to another country gave me some relief so I thought as long as I will not go back home due to the new situation ,  I'd apply for asylum and leave my own country altogether = having all the qualifications makes me legible anywhere I like to go ... so applied and they assure me I am the best applicant and  very legible indeed ,,, What else do I want ,,, isn't that great ,,,
No  one  in this  whole world knows what  has fate in store to him/her  - still we dream and work hard to fulfill our so called dreams ...They assured me that within six months to two years I will be in my destination to another continent ,,,,,
Alas ,,, it has been almost three years  and nothing turned out ,,as a previous staff member of  the UN  - I am very well aware of the administrative corruption and so ,,, I am still stuck here when so many illegible applicants have traveled within months ,,, I kept writing  requests in English and Arabic ,, I am also ready to write in French if they require  but most of those who work there are not that good in foreign languages ..... Then comes the blow ,,I have cancer ,,,,so now what happened to my planning ??? 
Now in the middle of all this astonishment ,,, I am so surprised = not because of having cancer ,,, but because of the circumstances in which I have been through ,,,now I have to take care of my health and forget about everything else ,,, 
Another woman might have had a  nervous break down ,be very depressed ,, , not me ,,, being a strong believer in the Almighty makes me serene and patient ,,, I do no care even if I die soon ,,, eventually we will all die ,, no one is  immortal ,,, the only thing that bothers me is waiting for so many things which I might have accomplished , have I  known that this will be my end ,,, 
Well , who knows what could happen tomorrow ... 
I do  believe in miracles ,, so  who knows ,, may be the Almighty will grant me another one,, He had granted me so many miracles in the past and I am a very strong believer in Him ....
All I have to do is wait and see ,,,

Sunday, December 02, 2012

My Story With Cancer ( Part Four)

My Story With Cancer 4 

The nurse then moved to my left hand  which was 

hurting me a lot especially after she stuck that 

plaster on the canola and I realized that there was

something wrong because  the harder she was 

pushing the sterile water the more pain I felt and 

besides instead of flushing the water into the canola 

,, the blood started flowing into the ground and the

 pain was unbearable , the floor was full of blood 

and that stupid inefficient unqualified  nurse was in

 another world ,she was so stubborn insisting that 

she was doing the right thing ,, I told her to stop 


because I was in terrible pain ,, I could have sewed 

her if I was in another mood  or in another world ,,,

 yet I just wanted to

get rid of all that painful procedure , not a drop of 

water was inserted ,,, I kept asking her to stop and

 she did not ,,, I had then to ring the bell ,,, hence an 

Asian nurse came  and she took over ,,, nicely and 

quietly she removed the plaster …then the needle

 and the  canola  .,,I looked at my hand which 

swallowed and turned greenish red ,,, that nurse

 started wiping the blood from the floor and then she 

left the room ,,,

The Asian nurse was very efficient and highly 

qualified ,,, she nicely inserted a new needle into my

 right arm asking me gently if I have pain while

 touching the veins ,,, I did not even feel when she

 inserted the needle and then everything went well ,,, 

I fell asleep as usual and within these two times in 

hospital I have

  finished reading the Qur’an ,, I found myself very 

close to the Almighty God  during this time and this 

is the best I got from this period in my life : patience 

, belief and coming closer to God ,,, They told me 

that I was in the intensive care for hours and that I

 had complications because of inhaling cigarette 

smoke before the operation what a terrible thing

I did not realize when was day and when was night 

,, all I remember  was   the light of the room went on

then off ,,,and between now and then a nurse would 

come to give  me the medication ,,, next day I was 

lying down when suddenly I could not breathe ,, I

 rang the bell and a nurse came over ,,, I told her

that I could not breathe and that there must be 

someone smoking outside the room ,,, she said no 

,,it is not allowed ,,, I insisted because I could smell 

it and I was choked ,, I started feeling dizzy and 

unbalanced ,, then my hand was stiff ,,, I rang the

 bell again and another nurse came over … please I 

said ,,,it is my blood pressure and there is someone 

here smoking ,,, she went out then came and said yes 

,,, the patient in the opposite room   is smoking and

 his door is open ,,, I said please tell him to stop and 

close the door …

A resident doctor came over and I told him  to check

 my blood pressure ,, he kept mumbling of some 

words saying no it is not your blood pressure ,,, I 

requested him nicely and then they brought the 

gadget ,,, 

,, the blood pressure was 20 over 10 ,,, then it 

went 10 over 6 ,,, I pointed to the oxygen and then I  

could not remember anything ,,,I must have 

fainted ,,, I woke some time looking around to see 

that it was dark again ,,,, What a day ????

To Be continued 

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Patience Is A Virtue

Patience Is A Virtue

When you are a real  believer you  have patience so you tolerate all sufferings in silence and serenity without complaining unlike other people who become impatient and despondent  for any difficult time or problem they face ,,,

Illness , loss of dear and close persons and   are the most common factors which most people face all over the world in all communities whether rich or poor ,,,educated or ignorant ,, white or black ,, old or young ,,, of all races and nationalities ,,, when we look at the positive attitudes of believers we realize the peace of mind ,, patience , serenity , quietness , inside enlightenment , spiritual purity ,, and of course absolute trust and faith of what is destined to them ,,, that is the secret of happiness and content ,,,

I time of trouble what makes a person strong  and bear the hardships is his/her belief that there is salvation from above and that God works in His  mysterious ways to save His creators ,,

In Our Holy Qur'an Allah addresses His creators and especially the believers  telling them  to call for Him in all times whenever they need Him ,,just call and He is there for them ,, whether in trouble or not or  that all you can do is  call for Me and I will be there for you =
" I am closer to you than your own blood  vein  so call for Me "
I believe in miracles all my life and I have seen  many miracles ,,, I passed away eighteen years ago after my second miscarriage and I came back to life ,, for two minutes and a half I was dead and this was proven by a doctor ,, then I came back to life ,, is'n t that a miracle ,,,!,,,six weeks ago I diagnosed myself  of a thyroid problem  ( and I am not a physician ,,, not a specialist ,, not a doctor  ) ,, in fact I knew without even checking that I have cancer in the thyroid and every one including the doctor disapprove of my word ,,, yet it turned out to be true ,,, it was the Almighty God who inspired me to think and believe in this matter ,,, it turned out that it was bleeding inside for days ,,, haven't I insisted on my thought ,,, what could have happened to me ,,
Aren't these miracles ??
To be a believer means you have to accept and expect the good as well as the bad because life can never be always a green meadow full of beautiful vivid colorful orchards and sweet honey in our mouths ,, there is bitterness and sweetness ,, health & illness, good and bad ,, pain and joy ,, sorrow and love ,, no complete bright way 
We have to be ready for everything and to expect anything ,,, yet with hearts full of serenity and faith that Allah shall not let us down because He loves us ,,,
Allah makes miracles so believe in Him ..He will lead you the way ,,never despair ,,,trust Him ,,,

My Story With Cancer ( Part Three)

My Story With Cancer 3

Ever since I was a small child I have a strong absolute faith and trust in the Almighty God though I did not perform nor practice  the religious rituals i.e. prayers and fasting-   in the proper way  as most teen angers & youth but I used to talk to God and ask Him whatever I  need,,,I  used to look at the sky thinking that there He is ,,, now after knowledge and awareness ,, education and enlightenment I realize He is everywhere ... in our Holy Qur'an the Almighty says :

I am closer to you than your blood vein so call me and I shall grant you all that you wish for 

He always answers my prayers and that is why I am very strong inside knowing that God is with me all the time  all my life ,,

 After my first operation , the surgeon assured me that I was fine and everything is OK ,,,but  I have my own doubts ,,, then after few days of my hospital discharge , he called to say I need a second operation to remove the nodule on the left side as the pathological test shows that it is cancer , we can not risk waiting and we have to remove everything to make sure nothing spread more ,,
I knew it ,, I said ,, so when shall I be admitted again ,, I replied 
As soon as you can ,,,OK , I said  ,,
Next morning at 7.00 am I was at the hospital and here we go again ,,
What really bothers and irritates me is the way those regulations and procedures followed in Arab countries and here I am referring about Amman / Jordan ..Shmaisani Hospital  ,,, I have never in all my life seen surgeons, doctors , nurses and workers smoke inside hospitals and especially in the main hall leading to the operation room ,,, though I have told the nurses from the very  first time I was admitted to hospital that I am hyper sensitive to cigarette smoke and that I had twice stroke and angina because of cigarette smoke which should have been written in my chart ,,,, yet when the nurse came to take  me to the operation room ,,, I could not breathe and I realize that  I was in  a very heavy smoking area which caused me terrible chest pain and I felt the place was moving around ,, it must have been my blood pressure fluctuation ,,, I could feel my arm stiff and could see nothing nor breathe ,,, I heard cries from the woman next to  me shouting ,,,doctor ,,, doctor this patient is dying please help ,,, we were stuffed up in lines like sheep waiting for slaughter ,,, I never realize the time or event ,,, All I could recall is a shaking hazy  face of someone in glasses saying :
I will give you morphine ,,and I could not remember the rest of what he said ,,, just murmuring and strange voices with echos ..
What a pain ,,I woke up to see my self in the room ,, a nurse standing by me looking at my hand and trying to insert a needle ,, it was night ,,, she looked at my hand and said :
I like this hand ,, so beautiful ,,, I smiled ,, 
I then realized that she was pushing the needle in the wrong place because it was so painful and the needle would not go in ,,
Please , I said ,,, you can not find a good vein here ,,I know ,,,
No ,, she said ,, it is OK ,, don't be afraid ,,,I said I am not afraid ,.,but I am sure you will not be able to insert it here ,,please do it in the other hand 
After many attempts she realized I was right , however , she gave me such a pain ,, finally she moved to the left hand ?????
and here  again she was pushing and pushing but it seems that she does not know where to look ,,,I kept crying please you are are not inserting it in the right place ,,, she would not listen and then she put a canola there by force ,, stuck it with plaster and it was clear my hand started swallowing ,, it hurts a lot and was changing color ,, there was a bruise already ,,, then she left and brought the syringe with  sterile water and here come s the worst part ....
To Be Continued....

Thursday, November 29, 2012

My Story With Cancer ( Part Two)

My Story With Cancer (2) 

I was sure it was cancer and it Was God who inspired me to go to the lab and to carry on the procedures ,,,,when you spend decades of your life caring and cherishing someone ,, loving and sacrificing everything for them , preferring them to your own self and thinking that they are your own soul mates - then suddenly you realize that  all that love , passion , care and gentle manner, talk of being the one and only soul mate ,,,that YOU are one of a kind and there is no one in this whole world like you ,,, JUST disappear,, evaporate ,,, gone with the wind ,, cast away in moments 
How do you feel when you realize that they are betraying you and you are no more than a bridge to pass through to their goal and you are only a puppet , a toy by which they play for years and once they saw another toy they throw you you  without a reason ,you were only a door to open a new world for them ,,, the wound is too big ,,, too deep to heal ,,, what happens then when you keep quiet and bury your sadness , sorrow and misery silently into your heart and soul ,,, the result is cancer ,,, yes = most recent researches have proven that cancer is an outcome of grief ,,, miseries and melancholy especially with  quiet and calm persons ,, those who do not show  nor express their inner feelings to others ,,, I was ,, am and will always be that sort of person who never say anything but keep quiet when others hurt me ,,, I might cry a little ,,,I might say one or two words but never shout nor discuss , this is my nature all my life but this time the wound is too deep ,,it was a dagger into my heart ,,, may  be I am the submissive type ,,, the other person  let me down ,, let go and keeps on his normal life enjoying his new life as if I do not exist ,, nor did I stood by him at the most difficult times in his life ,, supported him and loved him ,,, in short = he deleted me ,, terminated me of existence so that pain and heart ache kept burning me inside  out ,,,I was eaten up so quickly ,, in less than  a year  I recognized that my hair was falling in an unusual way ,, I got osteoporosis ,, high cholesterol ,, sugar  ,,, I was gaining weight though I follow a diet and eat very healthy food ,, I am interested in reading medical as well as nutritious journals and magazines ,, I have joined four US & British web  sites of these topics and I was reading all the time ,,  day by day things developed and it was crystal clear I am a cancerous patient,,,, 
The thought of calling my partner and telling him about this subject gives me the creep ,,, I thought he would surely hate me more since he abandoned me while I was in my health ,,, no way will he return to me while I was sick and certainly when I am having cancer ,,, and what would he do ,, he might gloat and nothing worse than this feeling towards an innocent person who is suffering of such a thing out of control ,,, I have not created cancer nor have I infected my self with it ,,, it is God's destiny ... God's work and I am happy with whatever God does to me ,,, He is my Creator and He can do whatever He wants to me ,, He can take my soul and He can cure me BUT I will never beg for sympathy ,,,still I wrote messages to see the reaction ...
Alas ,, not a word ,, not a phone call ,, not even a line not a mobile message ,,,it was then that I was positive the man has abandoned me completely , for ever ,, so why bother keep degrading and humiliating myself any more ,,,,
Having cancer during this period of my life has given me strength to fight ,,, being a real believer in the Almighty ,,, suffering all alone and having such a sign from God to inspire me and go for checking without even going to a specialist  was a great 
  challenge for me ,,, being a serene  patient person who tolerate all sorts of difficulties alone and stay alive ,,,forgetting or trying to forget my the bad times and moving along as though I was the happiest person in the world for decades made me expect and accept everything even cancer ,,,
I then decided to carry on all alone ,, my siblings were sad and cry all the time when they call me ,,, they broke my heart ,,they  did their best to get visas but were rejected  ,, they were calling every day ,,writing messages and praying for me  ,, they all wanted to come over but I refused  because all of them are old and ill---- besides , what will they do if they come as they need care  ,,, they  were so worried ,,helpless and in terrible pain .....
Life is really a challenge  ,, it is full of surprises ,,, and I am a challenger ,,no way would I retreat  this time ,,, I have always been struggling with difficulties , but of various types not illness ,, after my father died things changed upside down in my life ,,, I was living happily in luxury and extra vacancy , people used to call me THE QUEEN ,,,,,, suddenly everything turned over and I had to work to support myself and my mother after all the wealth , money and possession vanished in few years  ,,,,but I did not mind because I enjoyed working and I love my work ,,, so it was not such a problem ,,, may  be that was nothing for me ,,, I am strong not only in personality and character ,, but against the blowing winds ,,, I stood tall against all the stormy winds  which blew into my face suddenly ,,, from a queen as people used to call me in the past into 
a hard working person ,,, yet I love my career and  I have charisma  ,,, every one says so ,,, I  was a prominent distinguished person ...,I never care for trivial matters ,,, 
Time went  by ,,, years passed so quickly  and here am I surviving cancer all alone ,, with my faith and belief in the Almighty and His mercy ,,, with a relief and serenity that He and only He can either make me die or live and that I am ready for both ,,,
To Be Continued 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

My Story With Cancer ( Part One)

My Story With Cancer ( 1) 
Cancer ,,,this word has become a taboo in our century ,,,when people hear that someone has cancer they run away thinking that they will get it as if it is contagious  .. not only  that but in our eastern Arab societies cancer is always associated with tragic death and therefore it causes unrest ,,, fear and panic ,,,, 
What about patients who suffer from cancer ,,, how do they react when they hear from their doctors that they are diagnosed as cancerous ,,,??
 This depends on your attitudes towards everything in life ,, as I mentioned previously there are two types of people as there two attitudes = positive and negative ,,, now who usually have positive attitudes ?
 People with positive personalities are real believers ,,who enjoy serenity and patience despite all difficulties and problems,,, those who tolerate all sorts of sufferings ,, problems and hardships in silence and strength and those are THE REAL BELIEVERS whichever their religion , nationality ,race or  color they are ,,, 
 Education here is also very important and by education I do not  mean what the  sort of degree one holds because sometimes you see a PhD holder who is less comprehensive nor understanding  than the layman ,,, so by education I mean the LEARNED ,,, the person who enjoys awareness and who accepts whatever is destined to him/her with serenity and peace of mind ,,, with patience and strength ,, with BELIEF that the Almighty will NEVER let him/ her down ,,,in addition to all this we should educate ourselves in most fields and especially the scientific and medical information and knowledge concerning all sorts of diseases , illnesses ,, infections because these are part of our daily life ,,part of us ,,, 
We should always put ourselves into other people 's shoes to realize and be prepared for the unknown because no one on this whole globe knows what will happen next hour ,,, next moment not next year = whether to  him/her personally or to the world ,,, we are living in the UNEXPECTED  ,,,
 To be a real believer in God one should be prepared for all sorts of happy as well as sad events ,, good and bad ,, there is no  COMPLETE one way line in life BUT how to tackle this when suddenly you are told that you have CANCER ????
For me , I think cancer is not different at all from any other illness or disease = it can be cured or not ,,, some people die of Cholera ,,, Influenza ,, Diarrhea,,,,,Stroke  ,,, even of  Fever ,,, eventually we will all die ,as for me I believe in life after death and I do not mind ,,I am in fact waiting for my death any moment because life is not eternal ...,,
 I think that the panic from cancer is not only because of death ,,, but because it is always associated with loss of hair ,, use of chemotherapy ,, radiation and probably of the name itself  ,,,
Last year passing by car under the bridges - seeing those posters of young bald  children with the signs about CANCER ,,, I kept thinking ,,,my goodness these are small angels ,, what have they seen of life- they are only  4 ...5 years of age ,,, what about me ,, I thought ,,I have had such a full life  I had a very happy childhood and youth ,, I had my  higher  education ,, I traveled ,,, I  got high posts ,,, I taught large numbers of  university students ,, I trained employers and officials ,,, I had good relations with  all those with whom I lived or worked ,,,  I published articles and I contributed to the society and to my country ,,, I was a successful person who had quite a rich and full life ,,,I got married,,, I am still alive and healthy ,,, what if I had cancer  instead and one of those was cured ,,, this idea haunted me ,,, and I prayed to the Almighty to cure those kids or at least one of them ,,,,
A year or so passed and I had a personal private problem which agitated me ,,, raged me ,, hurt me a lot ,,, I was under a terrible pressure , I was suffering ,, these were my most difficult times of my life ,, I was all alone running away from that problem when I felt a pain under my right chin one day  ,, I looked at the mirror and there it was a nodule which was clear and large ,, I phoned all  those friends and family members  who were suffering from thyroid problems and those who have their thyroid removed ,,, all denied my doubts saying that it should be in the middle not on the side ,,,yet I never was sure ,,, few days later the pain started on the right side and I could see the enlarge nodule as well ,,, no way  I thought   ,,, the next morning I went to the lab and asked for a Thyroid blood test ,, the nurse asked me  if I require the  three types tests ,, I am not a specialist nor a physician ,,, however I said yes ,,, 
Next morning I got results of the tests ,,, looked at the charge and average numbers and descriptions ,,, it says ,,,there is nothing wrong ,,, still I was not convinced ,,, I  had a strong belief  that I do have cancer ,,or at least a problem  with my thyroid ,,,  I  went home called an ENT ,,neck surgeon and took an appointment for Saturday ,,
On Saturday , I went to him and he checked my beck and looked at the lab tests saying there is nothing wrong ,,, 
Are you sure ,,I said ,, yes ,, it seems OK ,, may be there is an infection ,, anyway if  you insist go downstairs to the ultra sound unit to make sure ,,,
There I was at the ultra sound table looking at the picture ,, it is quite clear ,, yes,,, said the specialist there is a big nodule on the right and small ones at the left ,,, 
Do you think it is cancer ?? I said ,,, I can not tell that ,, he said ,,your surgeon will tell you ... thank you ,,I said 
Going up the stairs I thought it must  be operated ,, I came to the surgeon ,,showing him the report ,,, he looked at me and was hesitant to talk ,so to make things easy for him ,I said : 
  I have cancer and I need an operation ,, 
He was surprised ,, yes ,, I am afraid so ,,,He said 
OK ,,I replied ,, I was not scared nor surprised ,,, I was sure right from the beginning ,,,
To Be Continued  

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Where Did I Go Wrong ????

Where Did She  Go Wrong???

She keeps thinking ,,, recalling .,,,,talking to herself ,,lamenting  her past ,,,or shall I say life ,,,,who knows what would happen next ,,,,now that she  is so close to death ,,,,she is bewildered ,,, confused ,,, not knowing nor realizing what has happened ....not because of death ,,, she is a strong believer and such a tolerant patient person all her life ,,,
Here she is again , watching one of John Cusuk's  movie  which is entitled ( 1408) -  that she   might have seen  many times ,,,about broken relations ,,, desperate situations ,,, she  thinks=  where did she  go wrong ??? what has  she  done ??? What has she  said ??? She has  been so caring ,,, loving ,,, so  good to be true even =he himself told her several times = there is no one at all like you ,,,you are unique ,, you are one of a kind ,,if I go around the whole world I will never find a woman like you ,,, that was what  he used to say to her  and it is true  ,,  she   did everything  to make him happy ,,, she suffered ,,, worked hard ,,, she was his everything ,,, she never complained ,,,despite all his faults ,,she cling ed to him as a baby clinging to his mother ,,,,she loved him so much and was ready to do anything for him ,,, he was kind , polite and gentle ,,, yes he was not like the others who offered her everything ,,,yes he made her live like a horse working day and night and most her time with her he spent with his own  family rather than with her  ,,,whatever he got was  for them ,yet she bore all that without complaining because during those long years all her siblings deserted her ,,, abandoned her for no reason or may be because he became first and they realized that he took their place in her heart which was not what they want at all nor what they expected so they started warning her from him ,, but she did not care to others' remarks and advises ,,she accepted all his behaviour even those which affect their relations , she challenged  all by marrying him and she was ready for that challenge  and for the consequences  as well not realizing that the day will come when he will reject her ,,,he marginalized her all the time  , that was a signal but she was not convinced of the fact that he was only acting ,, he never loved her as he said nor as she thought , ,she was patient hoping that he will change ,, and so she had to tolerate everything including his cheating and affairs which was piercing into heart like a dagger  ,,, she knew he was cheating on her but her dignity and pride would not let her confess nor face the reality  , especially that all the previous suitors were almost perfect in everything but she refused them  for no reason ,,, he had his charm on her ,,, he fooled her ,,, bluffed her with nice words and gentle manners  and she has a heart and soul of a child until now ,,, ,,,every one says so  including him ,,, she grew in age but her personality despite her cleverness and brilliant mind, she bears a heart of a baby she kept silent and patient hoping that he finally will go  back to his senses ,,,until that day in which he came to her after all these long years of devotion  to tell her that he married another woman ,,,,she was deeply  hurt ,,,she could not stand it anymore ,, he was so indifferent ,,so mean  for  some time before that  with her , behaved in a strange manners for months ,, he was absent all the time ,, he lied about his absence saying that he had a job in other provinces , but when he came home he looked so fresh with perfume not of his and clean clothes ,, even some time s he would have his hair wet which means that he had a shower only minutes ago  ,,, he kept mocking her ,, trying to find faults with her until one he made a quarrel without a reason ,,, then he started calling her names ,,he was shouting at her saying
" I have made the wrong choice by marrying you"
Thanks a lot ,,she said
May God bless you
Was her reply ,,, she went to the kitchen with tears burning her cheeks  like fire  ,
From now on I do not you to wash nor iron my shirts ,,,I do not even want to eat here ,,, do not cook for me ,,,he shouted ,, I will not eat here any more ,,,
She kept silent ,,, was so astounded ,,,why would he say so .,,,
He dressed nicely and left without even saying good bye or where was he going ,,,
All that happened before his confession of the new marriage ,,,
So many times she asked him whether he had another woman ,,, he would laugh and say ,,, what an imaginitive person you are ,,,,
BUT when he confessed to her aboutmarrying a second woman justifying this that it was only a project for their own interest and that the other woman is wealthy ,,that he married her because of her money ,,,WHAT A REASON ,,???
She then told him to divorce her because she did NOT want money ,,,she was already working and so
she did not need money ,,, he said only to improve our financial situation ,,, what a weak justification ,,,
why did he prefer another woman ,,,what has this other woman got which she has not got ,,,,she saw her picture ,,,she was beneath her socially and educationally  and not as beautiful as she is ,,, why did he prefer that woman ,,,she never knows ,,,
She has suspected him a year ago or even more ,,, but whenever she told her siblings they would tell her to " Shut Up" , This is only imagination ,,,

A woman 's feelings towards her man is always true especially if they  have lived long years together ;however , he was  aman who like s to be the centre of women's attraction despite everything ..and that was his priority ,,,not evn thinking nor caring for his paertner's feelings -
 he has hurt her a lot ,,, and now that was the last thing she would bear ,,, she decided to leave him and so she asked him for a divorce many times ,,,he refused and she never realized why ,,,as long as he does not want her ,,,why would he keep her ,,, he spent all his time in the other lady's house and he rarely came to see her ,,, then she realized  the truth ,,,he hates her ,,, he has been pretending ,,, acting for years ,,, he never loved her ,,, she was living in an illusion ,,,she was living in her own  dreams ,,, ,,,now that she is recalling all these past years ,,the ugly truth came to her ,,,
How painful it is to see yourself  falling in a trap like this ,,, however , she loved him dearly and never wanted to lose him though she was deeply  hurt ,, a profound wound cut through her heart ,,,but no more humiliation and therefore she has to keep her dignity and pride ,,, as long a he does not want her why is she staying in his life just a dead object ,,,



We always sympathize with others ,whether for those suffering from natural disasters ,, man made disasters ,, diseases ,,, whatever ,,, however, when we know those who are sufferings ,, it is more prominent or shall I say our sharing and sympathy is more ,,, ,, when we hear about someone who is suffering from an illness especially those fatal diseases such as cancer or aids ,,, we feel sad or may be upset ,, we might cry  then we pray for the Almighty to cure  them  ,,, whatever hard or painful  the suffering of others is ,, surely we can never realize it as they do ,,, we can never be in their shoes ,,, BUT how if we are those patients ,,, what if we are in that situation ,,, what if we  get cancer ,,what if we know that our days are almost finished and our end is very very near ,,, how will our reaction be ...
It is either that we panic ,,, scared ,,, cry ,,, do not believe it ,,,so we become helpless ,,, hopeless ,,disappointed and then we might have a nervous break down ,,,,thus we deteriorate ,,,
If we are REAL believers ,,, we accept it gladly and just keep on living  our last days peacefully ,,praying to the Almighty to make our death calm ,,,near and with less suffering ,,, less pain ,,, we might want to stop all those acts and situations that hurt us and we forgive all those who hurt us in our life ,,,we might not want our dearest and nearest know about this ,,,however , sooner or later they will know ,, because we are near to death ,,,,
If we have some people in our life who have let us down though we have NEVER done so ,,, I , myself , would not want such people to know anything about my cancer ,,,because I will either get their pity instead of love or their gloating ,,, so it is better to stay away from those and not letting them see you if you know that they do not really love you especially if they given you up in your most difficult times ,,,while you were always for them when they wee in their most difficult time s...
Cancer is only a way of death ,,,because eventually we Will all die in many different ways ,,,whether illnesses , diseases , or any other cause ,,, so why fear ,,, leave it to God and spend the rest of your days in patience and prayers ,,, enjoy the few days as much as you can or at least be serene and calm ,,,do good things to others ,,,s eek treatment if there is ,,, and wait calmly and patiently to your day to come ,,, it will come soon ,,


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Welcome Death

Welcome Death

How strange it is that for a life time one never think about the time of death ,,, yet when one realizes that death is near ,, there come s a serenity and relief ,,, it is like a roaring wind which suddenly calms down ,,, the last step of  a long  marathon that tires the competitors who just feel out of breath and who are excited but weary and they no more think of winning or losing but to get to the end ,,,,

Life is so strange ,, you spend it in a struggle ,,, a race ,,, a game sometimes ,, a war in another ,,, you love ,, work ,, run ,,, do all you can to get to your goals and how many are these ,,, so many ,,,not realizing that this will all stop in a moment ,,, not even a minute  nor a second ,,, if you are a strong believer ,, you will feel at ease ,,, peace of mind and soul ,,, a great relief ,,, as if you have won the best price which you have been working for for all your long life ,,, if you are not a believer , however, you might panic ,, be scared to death - what an expression ,= TO DEATH ,,,

I am so content ,, serenity fills my heart ,,, peace of mind controls my brain ,,, peace of soul sheds my soul and finally I would Say I am relieved that everything will just end soon ,,, yet - I believe no one is so sure because it all goes to the Almighty's decision and word ,,,not others to decide ,,,

The best thing here is that when one recalls his / her life & one has not oppressed nor hurt any one throughout their life ,,, this I would say is the best time for us all to remember not to hurt anyone but to love ,,  give ,,, help ,, support ,, be kind and good to all ,,,in order to go and leave this world free from vicious or vices but full of virtues and goodness ,,isn't that marvellous to be pure and virtuous ,,

Life is death and death is life ,,, I remember that I wrote this sentence decades ago when I was in the secondary school ,,, or may be before ,,, I used to write nice compositions at school ,,, I was the first and best in class ,,, my teacher used to collect all my compositions and send them I do not know where to ,,, but once she told me that I will make a very good writer ,,,I  laughed and replied that I wanted to be a doctor ,,
," All your compositions are marvellous "... she used to say ,,, "they are as though written by a mature experienced old person ,,,"   I never realized that but lately when I started writing ,,, years ago I wrote a lot of stories ,,, biography ,,, poetry ,, then I torn everything lest someone will read them ,,, now regret tearing them off ...

Welcome death ,,, I am waiting patiently ,,,,

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