What if we choose not to do something ...what if we behave against our will ,,,what if we act differently towards any matter or occurrence that faces us ???????????????
I have been asking my self this question for some time ,,,and I come to the conclusion that we are what our minds dictate to us not what our hearts ,,,,sometimes we blame other people for our destiny or shall I say our direction in life ,,,it is all set for us before we are born ,,, here comes the usual question :
Are we free to choose our life or are we propulsive to live the life not by our choice but by GOD ....people keep arguing and discussing this issue for ages and it is still controversial ....
In 2010 , I have faced many personal problems ,,,finding out that my spouse was cheating on me and that he had married another woman for a year ,,,the landlady forced me to vacate the house claiming that she wants to live in it and I was left with no option but to leave the country and seek asylum ,,,,was that the right time for me to have this big change and I am not young nor healthy ???? I just do not know ...
After more than three years in Amman / Jordan with all the pain and problems ,,,now I am in Edmonton / Canada ,,,I think I made a mistake by leaving Iraq,,,BUT,,,, ,,the question arises , here , what was the alternative for me ...would staying in Iraq be convenient for me to live all alone in Baghdad which has turned into a unsafe city of chaos , lack of electricity and so much trouble ,,,, the answer is NOT ,, a single old woman to live all alone at this time is out of the question ...who will help me in my groceries,, when the electrical wires of the generators are stolen by thieves ,,who will help me fixing them ,,,who will guarantee that I will be save from burgers ,,, who and who and who ,,,,so many questions come to my mind and I find myself exhausting my poor tired brain , my aching heart and my soul ,,, I know that I have siblings ,,,but I know that they will not be able to help me in any of these matters because they are all involved and busy with their own families and even if they do me a favour at any time in my life they will turn that into a bitter calibration ,,,they will turn my life into hell no matter how good I am to them or to their children ,,,,
I have spent a life time paying for their mistakes ,,, I come to realize finally that I lived their lives not mine and that I abide by their decisions which they made for their own welfare not even thinking of me as a person ,,,selling my fathers' house was MY END ,,,, I have made up my mind to stay single and not to get married but by selling the house they have pushed me to a marriage that increased my miseries ,,,they all let me down whenever there was a problem and thus I found myself living all alone one day with no one to tap on my shoulder ,,,,I had to run away from all that atmosphere ,,,to another country far away ,,,, BUT was that the right decision ,,,,,????????????????
Now after two months in Edmonton ,,,I keep recalling my life in Amman and comparing it with the life here and I have come to a conclusion that I , again , MADE A MISTAKE ,,,,by coming to this freezing cold country ,,,,,many reasons makes me regret my coming here ......I am used to having my own privacy by living alone ,,,I treasure my independence ,,,,I love my loneliness ,,, I have a special life which not all understand ... I am used to a certain way of living that might not please other people not even my nearest and dearest .... now by my own personal choice I have put myself into a situation that I do not want ,,,,YET , I have now to wait because I can not return neither to Amman nor to Baghdad ,,,legally a swell as financially I am now unable to leave and I have to wait may be three years until I will be able to go back ....or ...may be I will accommodate by that time ,,,,BUT it will be upon my own worries and dilemma .....
Can we live our life the way we want ?
Are we the decision makers & decision takers of our destinies ??
Do we really control whatever happens to us or are we destined to it by God ???
How can we able to change our destinies if we live in a culture wherein families decide to you ?????
How can we be responsible about our happiness / sadness when we do not have the right to decide what concerns our own personal matters ??????